Incoming Transmissions
by LauraCynthia
Summary: What if the Enterprise had a gossip column?
1. Chapter 1

**The** ** _Enterprise_** **is certainly a beehive of activity - and not just because the yeomen are experimenting with new hairstyles. Here are just some of the whisperings overheard over the comms...**

* * *

First, a hearty welcome to all of our new transfers from the _Lexington,_ the _McGee_ and Starbase 88. They would respectfully like to inform the ship's betting pool that none of them have made the acquaintance of our captain previously. Better luck next time. **1**

* * *

Which medical man was recently caught _doctoring_ his meal card to give himself an extra helping of peach pie? Apparently his vow to " _do no harm_ " doesn't apply to his own waistline. **2**

* * *

Rumor has it that a certain young ensign is next in line for a promotion. This will be the latest of many accomplishments he can _check off_ his list.

* * *

It seems that an officer whom we believed to be one of _Enterprise_ 's most eligible bachelors may not be as free as a bird as one of our nightingales might wish. What other family secrets might our man of mystery be keeping? **3**

* * *

We respectfully request that our budding Irish tenor add some new songs to his repertoire. Perhaps let Kathleen see herself home this time? **4**

* * *

The owner of a green hoop earring would appreciate it if everyone kept an eye out for its mate. Last seen either in the officer's mess or the bowling alley. **5**

* * *

All hands, rest easy. The biology department has confirmed that the mysterious furry object spotted in main engineering this week was _not_ a tribble, as previously believed. Our sincerest apologies to the Dimoran ambassador for this unfortunate misunderstanding. **6**

* * *

Rumors abound as to where our next shore leave will be taken. If the responses in our informal ballot box are any indication, top contenders include Denobula, Altair IV, Luna, and Russia. We suspect that this last selection in particular owes its popularity to a single individual, a theory which can be confirmed by a simple handwriting analysis run against ship's records. You have been warned.

* * *

Our best wishes for a full recovery to our resident musketeer. Given the right lighting conditions, it's entirely possible to mistake a poisonous cactus for a sword-wielding marauder. Particularly if a member of the landing party comes up from behind you and yells, " _en garde_!" **7**

* * *

Anyone observed making air quotes, rolling their eyes, mouthing along with or snickering during the recording of the captain's log will be re-assigned to transporter testing duty as the test payload.

* * *

Due to the success of the science department's recent Christmas party, the operations division has announced a Valentine's dance. It is our wish that the senior staff will be well represented at this function. **8**

* * *

Our thanks to the individual who left a plate of home-baked brownies in main engineering. They were all consumed with relish in short order. (To avoid straining the eyebrows of certain parties, we feel duty-bound to clarify that "relish" refers to enjoyment, not the condiment.) **9**

* * *

Lastly, please be advised that the communications department is well-versed in Pig Latin, American Sign Language, and Morse code. Resorting to these dialects cannot guarantee your privacy.

* * *

 **Notes**

 **1) The** ** _Lexington_** **is the ship Lt. Watley (Julian Bashir's maybe-possibly-probably-not ancestor who he meets in the** ** _Enterprise_** **turbolift in** ** _Trials and Tribulations_** **) just transferred off of. The** ** _McGee_** **is named for Krista Abney McGee, author of the** ** _Anomaly_** **series, and (as an afterthought) the** ** _USS Admiral John McGee,_** **the name Ellie Bishop submitted for a new aircraft carrier, that of Tim McGee's dad.**

 **2) In** ** _The Corbomite Maneuver_** **, McCoy changes Kirk's diet card to salad because Kirk was putting on a little weight. Double standard much?**

 **3) Rumors of Spock's less-than-singleness. A slight nod to TFF and DSC, too.**

 **4) Riley, Riley, Riley.** ** _The Naked Time_** **'s songster is still warbling.**

 **5) Guess who the owner is? Also, there is indeed a bowling alley on the** ** _Enterprise_** **. (also mentioned by Riley in TNT)**

 **6) Dimorus, home to a species of "rodent things" that missed Kirk and shot Gary Mitchell with a poison dart instead. Never described, so I suppose it's furry.**

 **7) Poor Sulu. We learn of his sword prowess in TNT as well.**

 **8) Including Kirk? The science dept Christmas party is the one where he met Helen Noel.**

 **9) The English language is most illogical.**


	2. Chapter 2

The cause of Tuesday's half-hour shipwide blackout has not yet been determined. Theories range from a minor phase fluctuation in environmental controls to an overload of the hand-held weapons charging unit. We have been able to confirm that all members of the ship's engineering and security departments are present and accounted for.

* * *

Communications would like to remind you that their analytical programs are fully capable of distinguishing between actual static interference and crude imitations of same. You are not fooling anyone.

* * *

Security's investigation into several reports of a non-corporeal life form wandering the halls in crew quarters last night was inconclusive. An inquiry into the disappearance of a bottle of contrast medium from the diagnostic lab is also ongoing.

* * *

A petition has been circulating of late with the aim of designating the mess hall as the "tidy room", in the hopes that this will encourage patrons to maintain order and cleanliness therein. In retaliation, apparently, a similar document proposes that sickbay be re-christened "happy health land". As of this moment, the latter appears to be winning, much to the perturbation of certain parties.

* * *

In response to a recent spate of misplaced objects, Security has instituted a lost-and-found box, which is located in the department office. Items can be retrieved at any time between 0800 and 1900 hours. As of now, our inventory includes a bottle of "Vulcanian blueberry juice" (hand-lettered label), two socks (one gray, one pink with a hole in the toe), and a paperback copy of _The Prime Directive for Dummies_ (several passages underlined and annotated, most of the pages dog-eared). Please remember that this is a judgment-free zone; no snickering or name-calling.

* * *

Sickbay wishes to remind everyone that annual physicals will commence next week, in accordance with Starfleet regulations. We wish to emphasize this last part for those who have been known in the past to regularly find methods of avoiding or delaying same. Examples of unacceptable excuses include illness (really?), birthdays, being assigned to a landing party, and "because".

* * *

The personnel department respectfully wishes to remind all crewmembers that sudden changes in one's belief system must be logged in their database, along with other vital statistics. Of concern is the increasing trend among personnel of claiming allegiance to a people group whose holiday(s) happen to coincide with a training exercise or diplomatic excursion, only to disavow them immediately afterwards. We feel the need to stress this point, as the Adebian Hibernation Festival is almost upon us.

* * *

Recent inquiries made to our historical database and confirmed by our contacts at Memory Alpha have established once and for all that Zephram Cochrane's real name was not in fact "Stefan Corsevich", despite claims to the contrary. We understand that the forfeit to be paid by the claimant consists of a week's re-assignment to the gamma shift hydraulics team. Hopefully, this stint will afford him a modicum of humility.

* * *

In lieu of fielding questions personally, our first officer has asked us to assure you that Vulcan mind melds are only to be employed when extenuating circumstances warrant such measures. Determining whether someone is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship or the location of someone's secret stash of candy does not qualify.

* * *

Specimens in the botany lab are to be organized by environmental requirements, not which ones have the most pleasing aromas; personal preferences are not objective. We have been informed, for instance, that Andorians consider the scent of roses to be akin to that produced by _Mephitis mephitis,_ aka the striped skunk.

* * *

In response to the disappearance of several engineering tools at our last port of call, mandatory baggage inspections have been instituted for all crewmembers departing the ship. Among the items absconded with include several power packs, two replacement prongs for a trident scanner, and the chief engineer's toothbrush.

* * *

The captain would like to congratulate our crew for their significant contributions to Starfleet's annual (re)design a uniform contest. Notable entries include the beach variant, dress uniform lederhosen, and tie-dyed engineering jumpsuits. The introduction of tear-away sleeves would seem to have the inside track, however.

* * *

Finally, after repeated requests from the beta shift maintenance team, the Jeffries tubes on deck seven have been cordoned off pending an investigation into alleged activities therein. They would like to remind you that there are several locations aboard ship more amenable to romantic rendezvouses, vocal exercises, and watching horror movies.

* * *

 **1)The redshirts dodged a bullet this time.**

 **2) "Vulcanian blueberry juice" *snort* Someone should check under that "hand-lettered label". Also, care to guess who that book belongs to?**

 **3) Kirk's famous for avoiding these, apparently.**

 **4) Poor Pavel. Russia, Russia, Russia.**

 **5) To facilitate vaccinations or allow Captain Kirk to turn any duty shirt into a muscle shirt? You decide.**


	3. Chapter 3

Our next mission is expected to include a complete cartographic survey of the Ibar asteroid field, previously only observed via long range subspace telescope. We ask members of the stellar cartography department to kindly refrain from naming individual asteroids after their superiors in an attempt to curry favour.

* * *

Be assured that the botany department does not assign nomenclature to flora lightly. This is particularly true of the Sigman venom fruit, despite its harmless apple-like appearance. We strongly caution crewmembers not to eat it on a dare, especially as the antitoxin has been found to be notoriously difficult to synthesize.

* * *

We are pleased to report that as of this moment, all recent incidents regarding errant programming of diet cards have been cleared up with no resulting medical complications. If you suspect your card has been tampered with, please notify sickbay so that a staff member can check it against your medical records. Discrepancies to watch out for include multiple listings of the same dish, non-comestible items such as antimatter, and celery-flavoured ice cream.

* * *

After the recent breakdown in our negotiations with the rock people of Terganib IV for rhemalyzite mining rights, the Starfleet Command Regulatory Board has voted unanimously to add the following amendment to landing party protocols; "upon beaming down or exiting a shuttlecraft on the surface of a planet never previously visited by their assigned ship, all members of landing parties are prohibited from shouting the word, 'First!'"

* * *

Our medical staff is pleased to report that every single member of the crew examined up until now has passed their physicals with flying colors. While a few stragglers remain unaccounted for, they are to be forewarned that the ship's internal sensors and surveillance equipment are also in fine working order, as are the transporters and force field generators. Any attempts to evade same will be met with a minimum of one week forced medical leave, during which a more in-depth evaluation will be carried out. **1**

* * *

It would appear our young historical revisionist has learned nothing from his earlier mistakes. We deeply regret to inform him that, once again, he is in error, this time regarding the identity of the trisperite diffraction textile synthesizer. (However, we will allow that it is possible that one could mistake "Pilar Velez" for "Pieta Vasilyeva".) Word is that the forfeit this time will involve assisting the ship's records department in a statistical research study of settlement patterns among the outer colonies. We sincerely hope that he will acquit himself well in this as in all other duties. **2**

* * *

Earlier requests seem to have done little to curb the recent influx of questions directed toward our first officer. He would like to inform readers that, contrary to popular thought, Vulcan ears do not function as antennae, nor do they illuminate upon detection of another telepathic mind. Any parties interested in attending an information night to clear up various common myths and misconceptions may make their interest known on a sign-up sheet in the life sciences department.

* * *

The captain would like to apologize for his sudden disappearance in the middle of last week's monthly meeting of the department heads. He further wishes to clarify that the incident was an alien abduction, not the result of a pre-arranged agreement between himself and the transporter chief on duty, as initially reported. During his brief absence, he was able to successfully negotiate several trade agreements between himself and his Corbomitian captors, set to take effect in seven hundred years, when they plan to make contact with the Federation once more. **3**

* * *

Our communications chief is flattered by a recent campaign which would see the computer interface renamed in her honour. That being said, she respectfully requests that the motion be withdrawn, given the potential for confusion when addressing the system verbally, especially in her presence. This discussion is unlikely to be reopened, given that consultations with the statistical and genealogical records have determined the probability of _Enterprise_ acquiring a crewman with the surname of "Computer" to be negligible. **4**

* * *

Mess services is currently in the process of consulting with our forensics officer in order to determine the identity of the person(s) who are responsible for a rash of vandalism in the mess hall. All personnel are reminded to please limit all positive and negative feedback about co-workers and superiors to official crew evaluation reports, rather than employing cutlery as crude carving tools. The engineering department concurs that they have more important tasks to perform than removing declarations of undying devotion from the underside of dining chairs.

* * *

Starbase 25 has extended an invitation to the crews of all ships in this sector, including ours, to participate in a three-day athletic competition, to be held next week. Please note that your performance or lack of same in a given event will in no way have any bearing on your chances for advancement in the ranks.

* * *

Security is happy to report that its lost-and-found box has proven successful. Several owners have been reunited with their missing paraphernalia in recent days. Unfortunately, despite receiving multiple queries from various complainants, no progress has been made in locating either youth or dignity. All further such inquiries will be re-routed to the ship's counselor for further analysis.

* * *

Congratulations to our chief engineer, who has now broken the all-time Starfleet record for most requisition forms submitted by a single individual in one star year. When asked to comment on the honour, he is reported to have said that he would rather have received " _the flamin' supplies I ordered nigh on nine months ago_ " than the commemorative plaque which the Statistical Division has awarded him.

* * *

 **1) Physical-dodgers: we _will_ find you. And run every test we can think of, plus a few we invented! Mwah-ha-ha!**

 **2) Not a real Trek thing or person. Wanted to invent a person and device to combat small-universe syndrome. I originally wanted it to be Emory Erickson (transporter inventor). I couldn't think of any canon female inventors, too early for Leah Brahms. Should've been Sato and the universal translator, maybe.**

 **3) Yeah, right. I _totally_ believe you, Jim! *snort* Note the name of the alien race he attributes his disappearance to! Small universe, but at least the term clues Trek fans in instantly that it's a lie.**

 **4) So far, all mentions of Uhura are either benign (the missing earrings) or complimentary, or chiding on her part (" _the communications department would like to remind you_..."etc)**


End file.
